If I had ever manifested evil superpowers I would suppose that my origin story would’ve gone something like this:
Conceived on Halloween upon a grand piano by Meatloaf and Marcia McClain while Jim Stienman looked on, french braiding his hair and chanting over dramatic renderings of Bruce Springsteen songs. They then leave me in a
basket empty bucket of fried chicken on my parents doorstep and proceed to all die in a fiery car/motorcycle/speedboat accident before they can grow old and start being embarrassing. (Oh! But before the crash they write I Would Do Anything For Love and somehow make that amazing video so I can still enjoy it in the mid nineties because that was very formative for me.)
My powers of showmanship and spotlight hogging began to show themselves early but it’s not until I get a perm at age 21 that I realize that I can tie a scarf on a mic stand one handed and that, upon hearing that wall of sound drum beat, my heart breaks open and a killing instinct sets in. In one harrowing incident, 10 men perished within the duration of the Ronettes “Be my Baby.”
But I digress! Links?
One day at work my dear friend Calvin remarked that there was suddenly a apple tree in the garden where we all agreed one had not been before. Although I’m willing to entertain the possibility that it had in fact always been there but was rendered incognito by it’s previously appleless exterior, another viable explanation for it’s sudden appearance is that it is probably magical or enchanted in some way.
So this probably magical fruit was just languishing on the branches while we all rushed around feeding leafers and all the keyed up children out of school for MEA weekend. But don’t worry! I pulled it together and rescued some in time to make Ginger Apple Chutney. See?
This was my first time using an apple peeler/corer and I was positively charmed by it. Andy’s Mom, Pamela, used to make Kitchen Witches so lovely and renowned that they prompted Martha Stewart to send her one which she was nice enough to loan me last week. I feel like a kitchen tool from Martha Stewart must itself hold a sort of otherworldly power, and so, as you can imagine, when combined with the enchanted apples things were getting PRETTY DAMN MYSTICAL up in here.
The base for the recipe I used was from Tigress in a Pickle with some tweaking. I followed her same steps but used the following ingredients and amounts:
- 1 C. Apple Cider Vinegar (I used Braggs…)
It turned out great and made a ton! It will soon be gracing some tiny pork pies at my upcoming Guy Fawkes Night and in the meantime I’ll be dipping cheese into it like a crazed pig. C
I’m fairly confident that part of being a professional writer is making sure your friends know that if they don’t do exactly as you say on the precise timeline you present them with you will just use private correspondence to accomplish your desired journalistic goal.
HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TO BE SUBJECTED TO THIS MOVIE BEFORE I GET YOUR REVIEW MOLLY? And don’t use that adorable baby or your movie producing as an excuse. So now, without further ado, here is a transcript of a text message review of On The Road….
M: Have you watched On The Road, the worst movie ever made? I’m halfway through and there’s still an hour left.
C: I can’t even bring myself to reread Kerouac, let alone sit though a cinematic rendering performed by children. I think you should probably write a review for TH though.
M: They made Jack Kerouac’s character into a whiny, Carlos Castenada-esque dweeb of a man. And there are all sorts of additional modern threesome sex scenes. Also we get glimpses from a woman’s perspective. I know that was HUGE in the book.
C: Oh, yes. Those guys positively TREASURED a woman’s perspective.
M: All the male characters have a real Gen Y sensitivity. Except the perfectly cast Vigo Mortenson as W. Burroughs. So there you go.
C: Great Review.
M: I’ll see if I can type it up.
C: Please do. I’m seriously fascinated but will never, ever, watch that.
M: It is HORRIBLE.
C: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! No.
(Editors note: I was.) C
As the golden throated lady-killer Rod Stewart once said: Tonight’s The Night.
Come down to The Red Star and participate in (or mock from the sidelines) the BuZzed up Spelling Bee (Sign up from 8:30 till 9 and then we’ll commence with the spelling fun.)
As a special incentive to my readers, a special study guide can be unlocked if you read or have read every one of my blog posts and then comment below, finishing the following sentence in a way that is pleasing to my ego:
The thing that is so very great about Chelsy is that….
If for some reason the study guide doesn’t load it’s probably because you didn’t laugh hard enough at my jokes or perhaps your compliment wasn’t quite up to snuff. Feel free to try again or to pass this on to your friends so they can take a crack at it.
I’m excited for tonight! See you guys there! C
In this, the second of our interview series at Town Hollow, I spoke with Marc Gartman, renowned music impressario and charming bastard. Marc is one of the funniest people I know and in his new job finds him planning all sorts of neat things* for us to do and hear downtown. A musician himself, his current project Fever Dream has produced an amazing album (available at Chaperone Records), a series of stunning videos (some after the jump) and neon soaked live shows that include caftans and headlamps. When I asked Marc if he had anything he wanted to plug for this interview he replied that he wanted you all to know that there is a band that exists called Unicorn Hard-On. Here is their website. It’s probably not suitable for work unless you work someplace that is very sexy and loud.
(*like, for example, The Buzzed Up Spelling Bee I’m hosting this Tuesday October 8th at the Red Star. You’ll come, won’t you? Oh, good.)
Well. Most of what the internet told me this weekend was gross and weird. This being because a few days ago I sliced my hand open while vigorously washing a rocks glass* and have spent the last few days intermittently crying about it and googling any and all information about tetanus, skin avulsions and the various incarnations of the phrase “Do I need stitches?” or “skin flap leave on?” But when that started to get old and my panic either got too intense or abated sufficiently I found time to enjoy the following:
- There is an abandoned Wizard of Oz theme park from the 1970’s that opens for one magical weekend a year. Please take me to this.
- How to best store onions and potatoes. Hint: It’s not in colorful bowls on your counter because that just grows weird smelling countercrops.
- Ignore the ridiculous picture of a woman doing yoga with a baby (You’re not fooling me GISELE! That baby is two seconds from discovering the plug in behind your ornate curtains…) and enjoy the guided meditation by Rolf Sovik who has a voice like a robotic angel.
*said rocks glass was one of a University of Wisconsin Superior matched set from the 60’s. Do you think I could leverage my injury for some student loan forgiveness? How about a new matched set of UWS rocks glasses? They were super cute right up until shattering and causing me nauseating bodily harm…C